Saturday, October 13, 2012

Checking Boxes

As an adoption caseworker, there is a form that my families have to fill out and we jokingly call it the "boxes form."  It is a list of races that the adoptive family would consider for races of the birth parents.  It is always a challenging form.  First we all want to be "politically correct" and here is a place where we have to be brutally honest.  The question is not can we love a child of a different race.  That is easy--"yes"  If I brought in a baby at my first visit and said "here, s/he is yours."  Most (like 99%) of the people would accept and love that child.  The issue is can you raise a child of a different race.  Can you help a 6 foot tall African American man negotiate the world?  Can you help a 16 year old Latina girl with her identity?  Can you help your child at the age of 6? At the age of 10? At the age of 13? of 20?  Our children are babies for a very short time. 

However, we have to make this decision at the very beginning of the adoption process.  We don't want to match people with a birth mother who has fallen in love with them and they meet her and then decide they cannot do it.  It is a time of real soul searching.

It is hard enough to see our children in pain.  But to see them a victim of racism is intolerable.  But that is what we sign up for. 

But what is racial identity?  My daughter is about to go to middle school.  I am in the process of touring and looking at not only what is right for her academically and socially but what is right for her racially.  Where will she see other kids that look like her.  Fortunately I am very lucky in that I live in the Richmond District of SF and the two that I am considering have a large Chinese population.  However, is she really Chinese?  If she goes into a Chinese community and does not open her mouth, they would accept her and think she is Chinese.  But once she starts to talk and behave, she is clearly Caucasian.  If she goes into a Caucasian world, she is clearly not White, so she doesn't "fit" there. 

Here is my current dilemma.  For the school that I want for her, it would help her get in if she were "white" because of the way schools are made up and how things are determined here (a subject of another very long post! and too complex to go into at this time.)  I feel I can actually make an argument and check the "white" box for her.  Although I am trying to raise her to have an understanding and love for the Chinese culture, and am devoted to helping her with her racial identity, will she ever really by "Chinese?" Probably not :(  Can I use this to her advantage at this time?  I don't know.  Since she is neither accepted in either world, can I make a case for her to be in the "white" box?  She currently says that she is half Chinese and half Irish.  So she looks Chinese, but feels both Chinese and Irish.  I think an argument can be made that the "white" box can be checked.

What do you think?

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