1) What are you doing to transition from being a
Caucasian family to being a family of color?
We are in the process of trying to research
which Nation/Band Little Miss is a part of.
We have applied for her First Nation’s Status through the Canadian
Government, which will be very helpful to her long term. Currently, our understanding is that she is
part Chilean, Cree, and ‘unknown’ aboriginal (if that makes sense), thinking
Stolo…but still trying to figure this out.
The great thing is that our school programs offer Aboriginal Support
Workers that work with the kids weekly to help celebrate pieces of their
heritage that they may not get elsewhere.
Luckily for me, being a teacher, I’ve got someone to pick their brain for
ideas at home. So, once we get a better
idea of Little Miss’s lineage, we can look at celebrations/cultural pieces that
are specific to her Nation(s)…through that in with a Spanish mix, and we’ll be
having quite the party! I’m excited to introduce this to our entire family!
2) What surprised you the most about
adopting--both the positive thing you weren't expecting and the challenge you
were not expecting?
What surprised me most, was how open I
actually became with our birthmother/family.
Openness really scared me in the beginning because I just had no idea of
what it looked like. And now, I enjoy
our visits so much together and want Little Miss to know her sisters and her
mother. I truly do love her other
sisters so much. They are quite an ‘at –
risk’ family; it always breaks my heart leaving them because I know that Little
Miss’s upbringing and lifestyle will be so drastically different. It makes me sad but I know that I can’t adopt
them all, nor should I. Birthmom loves
all of her girls very much and is doing the best that she can.
The challenge, was that I had trouble
attaching in the beginning. I’ve written
about that before and do attribute it to being so terrified that she would be
taken back, after she was born. We had quite a bumpy start with our birthfamily
and my RPL history led me to be very protective of my heart. I couldn’t take another loss. It took me a couple of months to let go of
that fear and open my heart completely; accepting all of the risks that came
with loving her. It was almost like
starting a new relationship after a break-up.
You are guarded, unsure if you can completely let go, but then when you
do, it is the most rewarding experience ever.
3) How are you talking to your daughter about
being adopted? I know that she is too young to be verbal about it, but
what are you doing now (like celebrating
Little Miss will always know that she is
adopted. We have several story books
already to help guide our conversations.
She is still an infant so these conversations haven’t really started
happening. It’s not something that you can really plan out, it will just be a
natural part of parenting. Questions
will arise and we will always be open to answer them. As she grows older, her understanding will
deepen, and conversations will broaden appropriately. But the great thing is that she’ll always know
her birthfamily; we’ve made a very strong effort to keep that tie strong. While it may change over the years, Little
Miss will always know how loved she is by all of us.
We make a big deal of all of the dates that
surround her coming to our family. The
day we called the agency, the day we got the call, the day she became ours
‘forever’. I’m so glad that I was
blogging during that time as I hope to show her just how amazed and excited I
was that she was coming to join our family.
I can just see her rolling her eyes at me when she’s a teenager…”Today
was the day that…blah blah blah…EEEEEEEEEEEEK I’m so excited”. “Oh Mom!!!”
;)
4) What "advice" would you give
someone who is planning on adopting that you wished you had received?
Be really honest with the birthfamily and
always know what your limitations are.
Our boundaries can always change but can also become very blurry when
you are still in the ‘match’ process.
Draw your line in the sand and start on how you intend on continuing. I actually did receive this advice from a
dear friend in the ALI community, but it would have been very helpful to have
known that before the drama started to arise during our placement/match
process. You have to remove yourself from
the ‘outcome’ of bringing that baby home and stay true to your values/beliefs
on how you intend on having your relationship continue. Detach from the outcome – period. Emotions can often drive us into situations
that we are very uncomfortable with. ‘Reason’ needs to prevail during this
incredibly difficult and exciting time.
5) What are the major issues that have arisen
around open adoption? Both the things that you expected and the things you did
not?
The major issue is us having to shut down communication/openness
with Little Miss’s birthfather for current safety concerns. We had not expected this but are just moving
through it as it currently is.
Understanding him more, has helped us reflect back and helps to explain
why some events occurred early in our relationship: things that we were not
very comfortable with. It has also
affirmed that your gut reaction is usually always spot on. Listen to that little voice, always.
If you feel uncomfortable about
something/someone; examine it, ask questions, reflect about yourself, and then
proceed forward continuing to stay true to your values. What I’ve always felt is a strong connection
towards our birthmother. It’s really
important to be able to separate members of the birthfamily and not let one
person’s actions completely dictate your relationship with the other people in
the family. You have to be able to
separate things, if you can, and always put the needs of the child first. For us, safety became an issue a few
times. So we’ve closed the areas that
need to be closed for the time being, and left the others open until proven
otherwise.
6) If you could do things differently around
your adoption process, what is one or maybe a few things you would change, and
what are some things you would keep the same?
I wouldn’t really do anything different other
than giving the agency a piece of my mind when I thought that they were
dropping the ball on us. I’m still pretty upset about the way they handled
things. I know that our adoption
situation was very complicated and not a ‘normal’ local adoption, I guess I
just expected that the agency would provide more support for us during those
challenging times, especially given the circumstances. From what I hear around
the blogosphere though, this seems to be a very common theme. Disappointing for sure.
But would I have another birthfamily just for
the ‘ease’ of an easier placement????
Not a chance.
It was all worth it. And I truly
believe that my heart is so much more full because of all of the children
(sisters) now in my life.
7) How is it different adopting transracially
versus adopting a child of the same race as you and your husband.
We have become very aware now of First
Nation’s celebrations and cultural events in our community. Honestly, it’s like we’re finally listening to information that has always
been out there; information that we previously might not have felt we had to celebrate. Vancouver is a very multicultural community,
so we have many celebrations recognized throughout the year. Now we just have something extra that is dear
to our heart. What’s amazing is how
strong the Aboriginal community is here.
The West Coast is abundant with resources, museums, and stories about
Aboriginal People. We’re very fortunate
for that. Now we just have to also
figure out more about her Chilean routes.
We’ve become a unique multicultural family; I look forward to the many
new discoveries we still have to make!
Through conversations with our friends and family, we’re learning that our adoption has also affected their understanding of transracial families. Some have even gone so far as to say, that they have become more understanding/less judgmental; which is great. I think we’ve all grown personally from this experience. Any time we can lose judgment and open our hearts to more compassion for others, is truly mindful and purposeful living. I’m so happy that we’ve been able to experience our adoption in this way. In a way, we are not only educating ourselves but also those around us. Together, we are all growing as individuals because of this amazing experience.
Thanks Seriously?!, for sharing your experience and letting all of us into your life as you continue to negotiate through the world of adoption and parenting. Welcome to the world of Transracial Adoption. I feel like I have made a new friend! If you’d like to read more of the other interviews that took place with this project that was facilitated by Heather, from Production, Not Reproduction, please click on the link below and enjoy! This link should go live at 1:00 a.m. PST, November 14th.
http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2012/11/adoption-blogger-interview-project.html